Monday, September 05, 2005
Being in Love
There was a time when I was really depressed and thought of suicide a lot. I was looking for love, wanting someone to love me. I lived with people and still felt alone. I hated my job. I didn't feel connected to my family. It was as if I was all alone on this planet. Love saved me in the form of my passion for writing. I could vent out all my feelings, angst and frustration on paper and on computer. A note pad doesn't care whether you're happy or sad. A computer screen doesn't judge what you write. Both are silent observers, accepting everything you "throw at them."
Yes, writing is my first love.
All it takes is to have something or someone to love. It doesn't have to be returned. A while back I used to see this guy on the bus. For some reason he appealed to me and I fell in love with him. I made sure I got the bus at the same time so I would see his face. Sometimes he smiled at me and once, oh joy, he sat beside me.
It's not that I wanted a relationship, he was just someone I loved for no reason at all. Loving him made me realise that love feels good whether you are loving someone or being loved. While I no longer see him on my travels, he will always have a place in my heart.
Nowadays I feel love for no reason. I don't necessarily have to channel this love at anyone just feel the love beaming out. I find people are so loving. The world is a loving place to be. Love takes many forms: a stranger's smile; a dog wishing to be stroked; a cat rubbing its tail around my ankles; friends sending me funnies by email; chatting with friends on the Internet; having a lovely meal; watching my favourite television show; browsing at the bookshop; meeting someone special out of nowhere; spending time with loved ones; etc.
I also find love to be very magnetic. The other day on a bus ride I noticed this guy had a bandaged arm. I wondered what he'd done to his arm. He looked back, then he swapped seats and sat in front of me.
Yesterday while I was waiting for a bus a young woman and her boyfriend/partner walked by. I loved her outfit and thought she looked really pretty. They stopped and chatted for a while then they walked back in the opposite direction. As they walked by me I prodded her arm and told her how pretty she looked. She was dead chuffed.
Try this experiment. Send love to a stranger and watch what happens.
While I enjoy loving and receiving love in multifarious ways, I also love being in love, as in having an intimate relationship. Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps. Wherever you are, whoever you are, I love you.
I love. I am loved. I am loveable. I am love.